Today I forgot how to feel

Thoughts from last night:

Today I forgot how to feel.

There is a glass wall between me and everything else – I can see through to the other side, and it can see me, but light is the only thing passing through. I know what I want, what I need, but I can’t get there.

Or a void, a chasm, a deep divide. And no matter how much you pour out, of yourself, your pain, your exasperation, frustration, desperation, it doesn’t fill up. It just keeps yawning at you, eating everything, anything you throw into it. It sucks you dry and leaves you with nothing, robbed of all emotion.

I’m cut off.

Today I forgot how to find God.

There is a glass wall between me and Him – I can see through to Him and He can see me, but I can’t feel Him anymore. I know what I want, what I need, but I can’t get there.

Or a void, a chasm, a deep divide. And no matter how much you pour out, of yourself, your worship, your prayers, pleas, cries, the hole doesn’t fill up. It just keeps laughing at you, swallowing everything, anything you throw into it. It sucks you dry and leaves you with nothing, robbed of all devotion.

But I’m not cut off.

 

No matter how far I feel I am from God, He never leaves. There is no wall He can’t climb over or break down, no abyss He can’t close up: nothing can stand in His way.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So even if I can’t seem to reach him, like my prayers and worship are falling on deaf ears, like my depression is my whole existence, like I can’t connect with the world or Him, He is still there, holding my hand. He won’t let go. I just have to wait and I’ll find Him again – He’ll find me again. I just have to wait, patiently, He always hears my cry.

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.

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